


Orange Ego Box

by LTSiha



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Humor, Mass Effect 3, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5565133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LTSiha/pseuds/LTSiha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Shepard senses something is up with Joker, she will go to any lengths necessary to discover the cause. Even if it means going through his extranet history…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Orange Ego Box

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my betas arwenthemuse and ReonBlade!

For all Joker’s bluster during their cockpit banters, he had surprisingly average tastes in pornography. At least for a human living on a ship full of aliens and artificial intelligences, Shepard conceded as she scrolled through his extranet history. She hadn’t intended to pry into his personal searches. Not _those_ kind of personal searches anyway. This was a total invasion of his privacy. Completely indefensible. She knew this. But with the destruction of Tiptree and the very likely scenario that his entire family had been killed… She had to know what was going on in his head one way or another.

In person he was a closed book; his real feelings were locked away and swathed in his patented deflective humour. He had always been distant, yes, but lately his snarky persona felt forced and shallow. The underlying sexual tension that had been a source of great humour had now dissolved into plain old tension. She had relied on EDI to monitor him and relay information on his emotional state but that just wasn’t enough. Perhaps it was her infiltrator training but it seemed to her the best course of action was to bypass conversation altogether.

_What was it Legion always said? “Your analog aural communication is inefficient.”_

It was damn true. There was so much more she could discern from a person’s omni-tool than by talking with them. Especially someone like Joker.

Unfortunately there was no secret journal or audio log that revealed the extent of his grief. She’d scoured his files and search history and found little evidence to support her fears that he wasn’t coping. All she’d really discovered was a habitual tendency to browse the extranet’s most explicit sites when he should have been sleeping.

_And a whole lot of selfies._

Shepard scanned through his most recent downloads with one eye on her cabin door.

**[DOWNLOAD] - 2187.28.4 03:22 UTC - BUSTY C-SEC OFFICER INSPECTS HIS HUGE PACKAGE**

**[DOWNLOAD] - 2187.28.4 03:04 UTC - SILVERSUN STRIPPED**

**[DOWNLOAD]- 2187.27.4 02:14 UTC - AZURE NIGHTS 3: EMBRACE FRATERNITY**

_Embrace fraternity, huh? Might have to check that one out myself._

He needn’t have encrypted his omni-tool so heavily, really; there was nothing particularly embarrassing or deviant enough to be worth hiding under all those layers of security.

_At least he’s following Alliance security protocol._

It was all so tame. Human, human, and more human. Shepard had never seen a collection with so few asari, in fact. She supposed he was just _really_ into humans. Somehow that was even weirder than the cross species orgies she had always imagined he enjoyed.

I _f I don’t find at least one tantric Hanar vid on here you’ll have lost my respect entirely, Joker._

But there was nothing quite so interesting. Not a Quarian or Turian to be seen. And after she had gone to all that trouble to remotely access his omni-tool. She was genuinely a little disappointed. Until she came across an oddly titled vid with a view count that made her raise her eyebrows.

**[DOWNLOAD] 2187.12.1 01:06 UTC - TF &SHS- N7 Series – Part 1**

The first part of the name meant nothing to her but N7... what else could it be? She queued up the vid, feeling a strange tightness settle over her stomach. Should she really be watching this? Before she could think it over anymore, a piercing female moan erupted from the device.

“Fuck.”

Shepard quickly directed the audio to her earpiece. Thankfully, it was just the sound effect for the company intro. How obnoxious. The logo faded out into the title card.

**THE FIRST AND SECOND HUMAN SPECTRES**

She blinked.

_What?_

The title card faded out.

_No. There is no way in hell._

It took a moment for her to fully appreciate what she was seeing play out in front of her.

A masculine silhouette lit only by the glow of a datapad strode across the darkened room. A door slid open, illuminating the room and its singular inhabitant. The main actress came into view: a muscular woman with windswept red hair and a scar across her right eyebrow. The silhouette stopped abruptly and saluted the redhead.

“Commander.”

_Oh god._

‘The Commander’ did not return his address.

“So, they made you a Spectre,” she took a step towards him, slowly looking him up and down, “huh.”

The camera switched to a fully lit view of her companion: a tanned man in alliance style fatigues with broad shoulders and neatly styled black hair.

“That’s right, Commander.”

“Does that mean you won’t be… serving _under_ me anymore, Major?”

The camera panned up his body, ending on a tight close-up of his smirking face.

“I’m always willing to serve under you, ma’am.”

_Oh god, no. This cannot be serious._

The two performers went at it very seriously, though, in a number of positions all over the set which was clearly modeled to resemble the Normandy’s CIC. She was impressed by the detail of the set and thoroughly disturbed by the accuracy of her own portrayal. How did they mimic her little tics and facial expressions so well? The actor who was definitely supposed to be Kaidan was not as good as her own lookalike, but she guessed most people were watching for the first human Spectre, not the second. She certainly hoped Joker was.

Shepard shut down the vid, her heart still racing. There was no need to get ahead of herself. So he had watched this… _thing_. So what? Hell, half the crew had probably seen this vid. She imagined they had got a good laugh out of it. In time likes these, anything that kept their spirits up was fine by her. Still, she wanted to believe that this meant something more to Joker.

She scanned the file once more, peering at the letters and numbers as if she could divine Joker’s feelings from the code. Her eyes were drawn towards a result towards the bottom of the scan results.

Joker had viewed this vid thirty seven times.

She couldn’t help but grin.

_Thirty seven times. That has to mean something._

Shepard shut down the omni-tool and headed towards the lift.

 

***

 

Joker had no reason to be awake. There was no need for him to monitor the Normandy during the night shift anymore, not with EDI onboard. Yet there he was, dutifully hammering away at the ship’s controls as if they were in combat and not peacefully drifting through Alliance-controlled space. When the Normandy was in his hands he displayed a focused intensity that she rarely saw off the battlefield. He was wearing that intense expression now. It was pretty attractive, she had to admit.

“You know, Joker,” Shepard said quietly as she placed one hand on the back of his chair, “EDI can handle the Normandy for a couple of hours. I’m sure she won’t blow up the ship.”

Joker briefly glared up at her before returning his gaze to the controls.

“Yeah, I’m aware, Commander.”

“So why are you still at your post?”

“What can I say, I’m a regular workaholic,” he signed and spun in his seat so he was facing her, “plus, you know I can’t resist these leather seats.”

“I’m well aware of your appreciation for quality upholstery.”

_Amongst other things._

“Glad to hear it.” His tone was warmer. It was good to hear the smile in his voice again. “Anyways, you need something or are you just breathing down my neck for the fun of it?”

Shepard paused for a moment. This was going to be awkward however she played it, wasn’t it? She couldn’t just pretend she hadn’t seen the vid. Well, actually she could do that quite easily. But she couldn’t ignore the fact that he was clearly attracted to her. She didn’t want to. That particular detail made her feel like a normal person again and normality was in short supply these days.

So that was settled then. She would tell him. Right now.

_Quick and easy, like ripping off a Band-Aid._

“I’m looking for Alenko. I’ve come across something he urgently needs to see.”

“Sounds serious.”

“Oh, it’s deadly serious. Scuttlebutt says there’s a vid with our likenesses circling amongst the crew. Some kind of explicit parody. The First and Second Human Spectres. You wouldn’t know anything about that?”

A glint of panic surfaced underneath his cap.

 _Oh fuck! This is really happening, isn’t it?_ She couldn’t backtrack now. This was it.

“Uh, no, Commander. I’m not one for scuttlebutt these days. ”

She steadied herself and pressed him further.

“Oh, really? Because, uh, a little orange birdy told me you might have seen it.”

“Orange birdy…? “

It took him a second before he understood. He instinctively reached for his right wrist where his omni-tool microframe chip was inserted.

“Commander, Shepard. I… uh… I…”

“You…?”

Joker was frozen in shock. Some part of her couldn’t help but enjoy the look of horror on his face as he began to fully comprehend the situation.

“Oh my god, nope, no, I’ve got nothing.”

“Well before you say anything else, I want to apologise.” Shepard took a quick breath before letting the words come tumbling out. “Hacking my crew’s personal computers isn’t strictly Alliance regulation. Even if that hacker has good intentions. So, I’m sorry, Joker. Won’t happen again.”

His eyes were wide and searching.

“I just - I don’t even- First off, how the shit did you crack it? Tali promised me it was watertight.”

“Tali’s _good_ but I’m just that little bit better.”

“Second, why are you going through our shit? You still suspect a leak? I don’t think a Cerberus spy is gonna leave anything incriminating out in the open like that. Wait, what am I saying, that’s _totally_ what Cerberus would do.”

“This wasn’t an Alliance operation exactly. More the work of a concerned friend.”

His expression of embarrassment contorted into a more familiar one. Anger.

“Let me get this straight, Shepard. You watched my porn because you were _concerned_ about me? I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that. I mean, what the shit, Commander?”

“Hey!” she gripped the back of his chair harder, her fingernails digging into the leather. “To be clear, I wasn’t intending on looking through your personal videos. I just wanted to check in, see if you were doing okay. Emotionally. The vids were… an unfortunate sidetrack.”

“You wanted to check in…? Holy shit, Commander, you couldn’t just ask me? Am I that unapproachable or are you just that fucking nosy?”

That stung.

“Jeff, I…” she withdrew her hand and massaged her forehead, wishing she could restart their entire interaction. This was not going at all the way she had imagined. “I’m sorry. I really am. But you’ve been so off with me lately. You shut me out. Then I hear from EDI you’re not eating well and that you spend all your free time in your chair and I just… I can’t help but worry.”

They remained in a tense silence until Joker finally let out a long breath.

“I guess I can appreciate the thought but shit, Shepard. You have no idea how embarrassed I am. I’m totally humiliated and I can’t even run away!”

“I know it doesn’t seem like it but I promise I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.”

“Not sure I believe that but…” His omni-tool chimed and cast a faint orange glow across his face. “Uh, what did you just send me?”

“There you go. I just granted you unlimited access to my own extranet history so we can be humiliated together. Knock yourself out. ”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“Are you sure? There’s some pretty juicy stuff on there.”

_Please say no._

“Nah, I’m good. Gotta turn the other cheek and all that.”

_Thank god for that._

“You’re a better man than I’d be in your situation.”

“Yeah, well, you know me, freaking saint of the Normandy.”

Shepard chuckled, half out of genuine appreciation of his joke and half out of nervous relief that the tension was finally lifting.

“Now I know who to pray to when I need a good one liner. Although from those vids you watch, it seems like I have that covered.”

“Ugh, I don’t watch them for the writing, let me tell you that.”

“What was it again?” Shepard awkwardly flicked her hair back, placed a hand on her hip and put on her best commanding voice. ‘ _So you won’t be serving under me anymore, Flight Lieutenant?_ ”’

Joker groaned and pulled his cap down further over his face.

“Please, let’s not go there, Commander.”

“No? Alright, alright. Where are we going then?”

“Well, now you know the full extent of my perverted viewing habits. Guess we better deal with that somehow. Any ideas on how we’re supposed to carry on with that in mind?”

“I’ve got a few.”

“Is one of them never speaking or making eye contact again? Because that works for me.”

Shepard studied him as he spoke. She considered his dark green eyes hiding underneath his cap, his scruffy beard, his pained expression and his overworked fingers. She frowned. Didn’t he know? Didn’t he know how long she had wanted him? Didn’t he know how many times she had imagined them together in her head? Joker glanced back at her nervously. He really didn’t know.

“I had something else in mind actually.”

“Yeah?” he said softly, with a quirk of a smile.

“Yeah,” she repeated, just as softly, “how about you come up to my quarters and we make a vid worth watching?”

 


End file.
